Innerscapes

... trust ...

2006-02-01T10:04:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard for me to trust? How is it that I cannot find a way to fully trust myself? Really, what have I done to get to this point?

Certainly all external trust somehow springs from the trust one holds in oneself. And who is more likely to know what decisions are right for an individual than that individual? So ... I ask myself again, how did I get here?

Perhaps it happened when I allowed myself to believe that others knew more than I did about my reality. Perhaps it just slipped away, little by little as I lived to meet other's expectations and by their rules.

To regain trust in myself ... it seems pretty daunting from here. I can't allow myself to believe that it is impossible -- that would be tantamount to suicide. So I guess I must figure out how to hear and to listen to my voice.

My voice ... I wonder what is sounds like...

Unfocused!

2005-11-30T16:40:00.000-08:00

We are so unfocused!

Does it take this shrouding of what we are and who we've been
to allow us to concentrate and to complete our work here?

Why do the ones here make things so difficult, so complicated,
so absolutely devoid of joy? (Perhaps that is a lesson they are working on.)

Patience must be one of the lessons I am working on.

Stalking Wild Thoughts

2005-11-04T05:47:00.000-08:00

Alertness! Energy! Stalking wild thoughts.

They pass by my window in little herds. Some docile and gentle, others wild and fierce.

I don't want to capture them, or kill them. (... maybe devour them...)

What I want is to run free with them. I want to be one of them -- a pure thought -- free to go where I wish -- to follow only my inner voice and direction -- no external barriers.

... seeking the extraordinary ...

2005-09-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

In order to find the extraordinary, perhaps all that is required is to change the way I appreciate, or rather what it is that I appreciate, in order to find the extraordinary.

Truly, the extraordinary must be fully present in all things around us all the time. So the failure must be in my filtering of what is in order to create my reality.

I guess it really is all about me...

... truth ...

2005-09-19T13:38:00.000-07:00

Truth is supposed to be but a single cohesive entity, yet all I see are fragments of it.
Refracted prismatic shards of truth flickering and dancing around in reflected light.

No! No! No!

Truth is supposed to be direct and singular! Isn't it?

Isn't it?

... silence ...

2005-08-26T12:42:00.000-07:00

The silence in the splashing waters caught my attention today. I realized that there is some quality of silence that has everything to do with just being and nothing to do with sound.

This silence, it refreshes me. It is what I access when I am in nature and where I go when I finally relax on vacation. It is my link, my commonality to otherness and my solace when I am overwhelmed.

It is this silence within me that connects me with all that is and when I am within this silence that I feel a connection with ... everything.

... justice ....

2005-08-19T14:16:00.000-07:00

Justice. What the hell is it anyway? Retribution? A societal safety mechanism? Compensation for allowing oneself to be a victim? A way to encounter helplessness and explore domination/submission? Justice is an external catalyst for experience to be sure.

Granted, I do not come close to having the same viewpoint as most other people about how life works in this realm. I believe that we choose when we are victims, we choose our own helplessness, and that we willingly choose the lessons we wish to learn here.

I can't say that I understand why there seems to be such a 'need' for 'justice' (or interest in it). There seems to be an awful lot of interaction with it and it just strikes me as a hard way to gain experience.

So I categorize 'justice' as an interesting vehicle for certain types of experiences and the variety of these 'justice'-related experiences are as endless as the souls that choose interaction within any of this world's judicial frameworks.

But still I wonder, why choose such a hard path?

... joy ...

2005-08-17T15:55:00.000-07:00

Joy. It's like a fast acting perspective remedy.

This has been an interesting quality for me to pursue. I've realized that when I've been focusing on it, a lot of other stuff seems to recede into the background. I feel as thought I am getting what I want and what I need and I find that what others think and how they treat me just isn't all that important.

When someone close dies, I seem to really focus in on how much we seem to blow little things up into crises. Focusing on joy seems to give me a similar outlook, but in a much gentler way. I also find myself in a much more tolerant place -- I don't seem to get pulled into other people's dramas when I'm in my joyfilled place.

I guess I've finally found my answer to people who have told me: 'You need to grow a thicker skin.' And a delicious answer it is!

... vibrational recognition ...

2005-07-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking some about whether one can read another energy system if you're not a vibrational match. I think that the answer depends on how far away from this energy you are vibrationally, or perhaps if you've had any experience with the vibration (so as a recognition takes place). If you're vibrationally close enough, I think you can accurately read it. If you're far away and have had no experience, I'm thinking that it won't make sense.

Or perhaps there is something so fundamental to energy and our origins that we instinctively do understand any vibrations that can exist.

This last statement intrigues me. Is it true? Is there some fundamental truth that would cover this topic? I want to know these answers, yet how can I explore this topic in this venue?

... more thinking is obviously required now ...

...

2005-07-14T08:51:00.000-07:00

So, I am faced with deciding why I am so uninvolved with work these days. What is going on? Is it something that I can fix? Is it something that I want to fix? Or is it just time to move on?

Uninterested. #1 The work? #2 The people? #3 The products?. No I guess what really uninterests me is the energy that is here. It's flat, it's not playful or interesting. I try to move it around a bit and I just get it settling to the bottom. It's like no one else wants to add to it -- they want someone else to do it. [That is a recurring theme around here about wanting someone else to do things.] So I am faced with the decision on whether it is worth my energy to try to get stuff to move along here or not. I look at the people here and I wonder what there is in it for me? What would the interactions become if I worked on this? Would they be satisfying for me? (Initially but I'm not so certain about long-term.) Would they be interesting? Probably not on a deep level for me as the commonalities between me and my coworkers are limited. (I am pretty weird.) What would I get out of this experience? Some short term satisfaction and some long term frustration.

So then, I conclude that might be time for me to move along. But see, I don't think that changing jobs in the industry is going to help me. I think I'm just going to find the same old thing. The part that is interesting is learning about things and new things and once that's gone, well, this is what is left, mostly.

Okay, so enough of what I don't want. I think I can start on what it is that I do want. Interesting, engaging people, experiences, energies. Lots of like minded people that I can relate with (and vice versa) on many, many levels, on deep levels, on my weirdest planes. Synergistic energies that are fun to add to, to sculpt, to create with -- alone and more importantly -- in conjunction with other people!!!!!!

... Book: The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom ...

2005-06-08T16:14:00.000-07:00

An interesting little book entered into my life last week.

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

There were some details that I don't agree with in the book -- that life HAS to be a fight (hard) -- that the world needs to be fixed. Nope, I just can't agree with those thoughts.

Overall I found enough parts of the book interesting, and decided to give it a swirl. (What the heck, eh? Not much left to lose lately if this experiment were to crash & burn....)

I must say that in just a few days I've noticed a definite difference in some of my attitudes. While I am more engaged with life and more interested in it, I am also much less wound up in it. A paradox, but perhaps this is what it means to be unattached to the outcome of one's efforts.

These attitude changes have led to far less stress and an overall increase in the comfort and relaxation about my life (as well as what is and isn't happening in it.) I've noticed a rise in self confidence too.

My oh my oh my, it's always the little things, isn't it?

... lowering expectations ...

2005-05-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

I discovered that if I lower my expectations, my boredom level goes down significantly! So now my goal is to see if there is a threshold that is so low that my boredom disappears altogether.

So just how low can my expectations go? What would it be like if I could live without ANY expectations? Is that even possible as an adult in this society? (Possible I suppose but feasible?)

Without expectations I could be delighted as child upon some trivial discovery, insight or thought. Without expectations I could look at life, objects, people, and situations in a totally fresh way (Could I really at this point?) Without expectations I could approach myself in a non-critical manner.

... perhaps "without expectations" is like "beginner's mind" ... a journey of discovery that can lead anywhere...

But can one lead a safe, responsible life without expectations? You know, my gut says 'absolutely!' ... and my brain is still spinning on it. Isn't common sense just another word for 'realistic expectations'?

Can I actually rid myself of expectations? Isn't learning to deal with expectations a good portion of what growing up is about? How to set them, how to deal with them in others, how to deal with other's expectations of you?

And yet, it seems as I get older, my expectations have gone down on their own accord. I see this cycle where one starts fresh, without expectations and with lots of enthusiasm (do the two equate I wonder) and then as time goes on, expectations are built. And as time continues on, the expectations are reworked (or rather beaten down by life.) But still the original expectations must have a hold inside of me or else the newer, lower expectations would be wonderful, liberating things. Instead I feel this old, stale tension between the two. Tension that is stagnant and contributes directly to my boredom. (Although I admit that thinking of this tension as stagnate pond water that is re-putrifying itself is somewhat intriguing in a gross, science experiment sort of way. <-- Maybe there is hope for me yet!)

So my task is now to find out how to lower my expectations and see just how low I can get them.
I set no limits to my lowness...

You know, Wally in Dilbert must be a very creative, happy man. :)

... my answer ...

2005-05-04T16:01:00.000-07:00

Brutal,
cold,
total,
inner honesty.

That is what my life has been lacking. I have not applied this honesty for some time in order to protect myself. But you know what? Eventually my life without this honesty left nothing worth protecting -- nothing interesting, nothing creative, no inner fire.

I've found my cure for my boredom. Oh yeah.

... more boredom ...

2005-05-03T16:06:00.000-07:00

So, there are times when I wonder about my ability to sustain any sort of interesting inner thread. I seem so prone to pick up something that interests me and then in a few days or weeks just leave it by the side of the road. I wonder if I am authentically interested in anything.

Can I sustain any form of interest? Do I want to? And why wouldn't I want to?

Perhaps the lack of sustainable interest is part of vastly shifting now moments. I am not the same person from one day to the next and perhaps I need different thoughts to sustain my various selves.

Perhaps even continuity of self is really just an illusion. Do we just assume that the same person who went to sleep is that same one that woke up the next morning? Does continuity of memory or physicality really equate to being the same person? (And just how would anyone be able to answer that last question, I mean really........?)

... boredom ...

2005-04-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

Boredom is a self-haunting, visitations and revisitations by the specters of sameness.

Boredom is a set of thoughts that just loop back on themselves, like background noise -- white noise -- felt but not consciously noticed.

Boredom comes after the restless signals are ignored and is a precursor to the 'making trouble' mode, for me the 'anger' mode. (And even thought its anger about my own inaction, I always seem to focus it outwards.)

I seem to have a bit of a spectrum going on right now -- I feel restless and bored and angry, all at the same time and all about the same stuff. Usually I don't have nearly so much coverage -- I'm really used to much more narrow emotional band. I wonder, does that mean I'm picking up some other people's stuff right now? (Answer: yes! Damn I'll be glad once this software release goes out and my coworkers relax. And me being tired just seems to make me so much more likely to pick other people's stuff up. damn damn damn! <-- BTW: those are genuinely from me.)

... visual listening & the 20 mile stare ...

2005-04-13T16:10:00.000-07:00

Earlier to day I was mulling over a conversation I had with someone who was saying that they can always tell when someone else is thinking about what they are going to say rather than on what is being said to them when the that other person stares off into the distance.

As one of those people who needs this "20-mile stare" in order to concentrate on what is being said, I realized that for me listening is really a visual type of activity. Somehow whatever it is that I do when I look at someone, I need these same faculties to deeply listen to what someone has to say. It's more than just being overloaded with input, it really has to do with sortof turning my vision towards their words.

This sounds strange, even to me, which you must realize is a rarity. And yet, it's the best description that I have of what happens. Is it focus? Is it sensing the words in some inner fashion akin to say, aura reading?

Can the energy around words, and not just sound energy be sensed? Maybe its not the words themselves that are carrying this information. It doesn't seem to be necessary except when I am in direct conversation with someone else (face to face and phonewise) so there must be some sort of connection happening with the other person.

Okay, so maybe visual listening isn't so weird after all. Too bad too, because I like weird things!

... and wanting to stay that way ...

2005-04-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

I can't say that I really have a topic today, just the feeling that today is a good day to create a post.

This morning as I'm pouring my coffee, I decided that what I enjoy about the reality TV series is when I catch a glimpse of what the people are working out through their current situation. I guess it confirms the rightness of all of our choices -- confirms that there must be something working right in my life, even if I can't see it.

I guess this "game" (life) would be pretty boring without some degree of blindness. It sure looks to me that the people who are most engaged and most enthusiastic, and some even genuinely happy, are also the most clueless and wanting to stay that way.

... and wanting to stay that way ... That just really makes me sit down and think -- hard!

There are some people who seem happiest when they are the most miserable and there are other people aren't interested in getting involved with anything that isn't already broken.

I can't escape that fact that I repeatedly get the very strong impression from people -- even those that are facing massive unpleasantness/trials/pain -- of a great enthusiasm for life, an enthusiasm for the chance to overcome, to conquer all sorts of challenges, to work out all sorts of strategies and tactics for the puzzles life presents.

It's like life, and whatever it is handing these people is really a great amusement ride (at least on some larger level).

... so what's the message for me to take from this thread? I guess to quit taking things so seriously. To allow myself to relax and enjoy the experiences that come my way. (How did I get so uptight anyway? I want to undo it! )

It occurred to me that I can take life more seriously by not taking life seriously ............... As a very wise friend said -- "What if the question that is asked to us after this lifetime is 'But did you enjoy it?' ".

... what if indeed ...

... it's finally about me ...

2005-04-05T08:08:00.000-07:00

I've really had an epiphany this last week -- that my life CAN be about ME. I can't express how comforting a thought this is and what a new idea it is for me. I guess it has to do with discovering my own boundaries.

Now I know this sounds strange to many people, but I bet there are those that understand exactly what I'm saying. Somehow, my life has never been about me -- it's always been about the people around me.

This is not co-dependence and there is nothing wrong with me. This is about being raised without understanding how sensitive I am and how to deal with the input of everyone else. This is about being told to grow a thick skin and suck it up and not knowing how to go about it -- until now. This is about years of being adrift in other people's stuff and not realizing that it belongs to someone else!

I realize that most people don't realize the stuff they emit and if they did, probably wouldn't care. So I don't blame them, although I suspect that some of them know what they do and really don't care that someone else ends up dealing with their garbage. (Phlhlhlhlhlttt on them!)

I feel like I'm the air cleaner, purifying the ether for those around me. I wouldn't be able to stand it if I didn't so I guess I do it for me. And that has been okay, except when I needed time and energy for me. It seems like then, no one is willing to let me withdraw and take care of myself -- not because they don't care, but because 1) they don't understand and 2) they don't want to deal with their own stuff.

I recently realized that there is a difference between withdrawing and cutting myself off. I also realized that I can do both -- when I choose to! I have this power! What a frigging relief to realize that I have the power over my own life -- that I have the power to make my life quiet, to enjoy my own silence, uninterrupted.

And now that I understand that I can do this, I think that I can actually be more effective with other people's garbage. I can decide how it is that I want to deal with it and when I want to deal with it. It's like new dimensions have opened up for me, like figuring out that my eyes have been shut and then realizing that I can open them. (And the view -- WOW!)

I'm also reminded of that Rod Stewart song that goes something like ".. I wish I knew what I know now when I was younger...".

... reflections of inner reality ...

2005-03-30T17:01:00.000-08:00

So how does it feel to take total and complete responsibility for every facet of one's life? I want to know. I want to feel, to know, to believe that I am the only one responsible for me and for what happens in my life.

Conceptually, not a far reach for me (you know, the old thoughts create reality thread). Practically, I think I have a lot of bad habits that must be shed before I can claim that I have fully implemented this accountability.

Gamely, I've decided to go this route and I've loaded up an innerscape with what I think it feels like to embrace this accountability. I've been playing a bit with it and I notice some interesting things. I feel very grounded, very healthy and balanced -- somehow more solid feeling. I feel powerful in a quiet sort of way. I feel as though I have access to resources that were previously out of my grasp.

All that surrounds me is really just a reflection of me and my innerscapes so it will be interesting to watch the changes manifest in outerland. Intriguing actually. I wonder if I can create art with my life through my innerscapes. Art for me alone!

MY dreams.
MY work.
MY world.
MY way.

... inauthenticity ...

2005-03-28T07:57:00.000-08:00

What is there for me to talk about this morning? I realized this weekend that my concept of God requires a dynamic, alive type of image and that the current images are far too static. If the universe is expanding, then God must be expanding too. And why not? Creativity is by necessity an expansion to include something new and fresh. And surely we must view God as creative, as the ultimate creativity in fact; able to expand to include fresh new things.

Hmmm ... this isn't my parents' concept of God to be sure. Just another thing to keep my mouth shut about.

Sometimes with all my different attitudes and thoughts that I feel compelled to keep to myself, I feel as thought I've been in hiding all of my life. I've learned to camouflage myself in smiles and shallow, inane, meaningless chitchat.

Part of me wants to fit in and belong. Pleasant interaction with others is important to me -- not only professionally but personally as well. But then I don't seem to be able to express my opinions without having other people uncomfortable. I don't want to argue my view points, but by my not feeling able to express them, I feel as though I'm not living an authentic life.

Damn, I'm tired of hiding too. I'm tired of fitting into other people's lives and worlds. I guess I'm ready for a change of some sort. But now that I'm ready, I need to figure out how, where to start.

... but I guess where to start is really easy enough since I know what I don't want anymore and with that information I can figure out what it is that I do want. And once I have that figured out, the rest falls into place. So I guess I'd better quit my bitchy whining and redirect my bad humor back towards making some changes that I want -- making my reality into what I want.

... daydreams ...

2005-03-25T09:39:00.000-08:00

Where do daydreams originate? This thread comes back to if our thoughts create our reality, why do I choose the fantasies that I choose? Is there some inner direction pushing me towards something in particular? How much am I reacting to external images?

The fantasies, at least the longer term ones, don't seem to be random. I may incorporate elements of recent images or moments in them, but their underlying structure seems to have some sort of purpose. A purpose that is vaguely felt and understood at some level that doesn't seem to be easily expressed by words.

Maybe they are a sort of communication from a part of my self that doesn't speak in words -- it's language is one of images and feelingscapes. Perhaps this is a co-creational effort at creating my realities -- both internal and external.

My reality or my realities -- is there really a separation between inner and outer? Probably more like a continuum so I guess 'my reality' is the better phrase.

... group energies ...

2005-03-23T14:38:00.000-08:00

How does one decide to act on a group thread? And why? To relieve stress? To give a voice to something unspoken? What's the point? What is the point? Maybe the point is just the way the universe works -- creating something new, fresh, and unique.

Does the intensity of the group field have anything to do with it manifesting? Again if thoughts create reality then somehow the intensity of a group field must indicate the probability of manifestation.

And how does someone determine if they are acting upon an authentic, individual feeling or based on some group thread that they are sensitive to? It gets a bit mucky to sort out, especially in the moment of expression.

Perhaps it needn't matter; perhaps the behavior of the group afterwards can be a clue as to the origination point.

... immensity challenged ...

2005-03-18T07:47:00.000-08:00

... so ... where does all this blogging stuff lead for me? To a standstill it would seem. Perhaps I'm just not interested in sharing my views. Perhaps I'm just not practiced. It seems that all these interesting things that I've learned along the way are no longer interesting to me because they aren't on my leading edge of thought. So I have no interest in writing them down.

I think the only things that I will find interesting enough to write about are the things that are currently allowing me to flow energy towards. The things that help me further my understanding of why I'm here and how this place seems to work.

I just had a brief glimpse of the magnitude of the amount of energy & newness that must flow every pico-second. Everyone has their own leading edge of thoughts & energies, and they must combine at some level to create larger forms as well.

I wish I could truly appreciate this vastness better. I wish I could comprehend magnitude better, but I seem utterly unable to truly appreciate bigness. I much prefer the smaller, more accessible sizes. At some point the awe that I feel for something just turns off when the scope gets too large. Weird. A function of my current interface? Something I need to learn? Perhaps its just part of my quest for wholeness. Whatever.